I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?