Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Dietest Coke
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?