oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
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I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
The Others (2001)
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume