[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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I was just discussing this with my cat
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!