My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
set yourself free xox
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
sigh
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.