I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
only 11 steps left
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Taking phone security to the next level.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking