Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I can’t be the only one 😂
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.