“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.