Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse