[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
liiiiiiiiike
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.