Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.