I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay