me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.