My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch