[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.