My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.