[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The little toadstool has spoken.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again