When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste