Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Pat is about to own someone
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
definitely did not do anything wrong
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!