If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
my dog when i have a friend over
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about