I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
LOL!
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.