When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
You Might Also Like
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”