wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself