I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF