[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Good advice.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Shower sex be like:
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Godspeed, John Glenn
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.