Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You Might Also Like
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”