Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.