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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.