Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother