If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.