Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Proctology is located in A55
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant