My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.