7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.