Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
we all know this pain all too well
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
That’s fair
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.