Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?