Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
This sounds bad:
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”