95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I can’t stop laughing at this