Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!