Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon