My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣