[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Hank is one in a melon.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
s
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As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.