I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
You Might Also Like
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.