My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.