If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*praying for world peace*
God:
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.