ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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relationship goals
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.