In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
happy mother’s day❤️
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.