My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
#NoRestForTheWicked
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish