“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.