Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
(Jupiter –