Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Become ungovernable.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
#dnd #ttrpg
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.